I can help myself…

October 24, 2010

This is the first time I’ve wanted to cut and stopped myself.

This situation isn’t worth a lifelong scar; a reminder of what happened.

I love you, and I’m keeping my promise to you.

Advertisements

Thank You

October 19, 2010

I want to start off thanking all of you for your support.

I’ve stopped cutting, and no longer see death as an option.

It’s difficult getting out of this kinda thing, but I know you are all here for me now and for the future.

My mood stabilizer medication has been increased, and I’m finally feeling well again after weeks of anxiety and hopeless depression.

I’m grateful for you all and can only hope I am just as supportive and loving for you. (:

Haven’t typed a smiley face in a while… felt awkward. I’ll get used to it again. (: (: (: (: (:

Sunday Night

October 18, 2010

It all started with a phone call from dad:

“Kelsey, you need to go pick up some stuff from your mom’s house. I think Riley should come with you though, she is really angry with you.”

Riley and I drove to Loveland and proceeded to go into my house.

“Give me your house key, your mailbox key, and your garage door opened,” mother said.

Riley and I walked upstairs and started packing up some clothes.

“You better be careful about what you take, because you won’t be coming back here,” mother informed me.

We packed up as quickly as possible and made it out to the car with my belongings.

I forgot my backpack, so we turned around and went back to mother’s house.

As I knocked on the door, she answered it.

“Oh, she’s back for more!” mother yelled.

“Not for you, that’s for sure” I responded.

After grabbing my backpack I walked back downstairs and cried “If you don’t want to be my mother, I don’t want to be your child.”

This is when she said the most hurtful thing; the words I will never forgive her for:

“You’ve never been my child.”

My home is now gone; the one I was anxious and excited to make my own.

No consistency, no stability.

If I were gone…

October 17, 2010

The FedEx man would ring the doorbell,

Leaving a package with my name on the label.

Mother wouldn’t answer the door.

She would walk by that package everyday,

She refused to see my name in ink bled to nothing.

Riley would get into her car on a winter day,

Turning her key in the ignition.

She would turn the heat on high,

But not before seeing my fingerprints;

The fingerprints I left shaping”Riley Loves Kelsey.”

All across her windshield.

She wouldn’t bring herself to wipe it away.

Dad would stand at the door of my room,

The floor littered with unwashed laundry.

In his hand would be a pitcher of water,

Ready to water my plants.

He would refuse to let those plants die.

Casey would ride up to the park,

The first time in a while.

He would sit quietly under the tree,

Relaxed and balancing on his bike.

The spot where I used to sit would be empty,

And he wouldn’t allow himself to see it.

Meeting Paul at Sunflower,

Ben would coast through the parking lot.

The streetlights would cast shadows,

Illuminating the pavement;

The spaces where my car had been.

He would refuse to forget that summer.

Insight

October 11, 2010

I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank text box for awhile.

Then, you posted this on Facebook:

“Jealousy- jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.”

The gears in my ego start cranking, then I remember your post from two nights ago:

“What if?”

I did the math and you posted it about halfway through the homecoming dance; the dance at which you stood feet away from me sharing an intimate night with my boyfriend.

Looking more closely at your profile, I find some more posts:

“I can’t stop thinking about it. Seriously, why not.”

Posted, again, when you were with both my boyfriend and I.

I’m probably being conceded by drawing all these connections, but I can’t help but see what you could possibly mean by all of this.

October 10, 2010

Tonight would be a great final night to my life.

Help

October 6, 2010

I can’t handle these mood swings, they’re driving me insane.

Ecstatic one moment, hopeless the next, anxious and frustrated in between.

I don’t know how to make it stop…

You

October 3, 2010

I stood abnormally far from you, staring at the ground while you waited for me to speak. You held a sense of confusion showing in your concerned expression. Stepping towards me and putting a hand on my arm, you broke the silence. “What is it?” you asked, attempting to catch my wary gaze. I shrugged off your arm, stepping further away. “You shouldn’t have forgiven me this easily.” I said, tears welling in my eyes. You sighed a sigh of relief. Confused, I spoke louder and cried deeper: “How could you have possibly let this go? I cheated on you. CHEATED on YOU, the person I love. I hate myself for it. I can’t even…” “Shhhhh…” you hushed, stepping to me so I could feel your breath against my mouth. Running your hands through my hair, you looked down at me and smiled. “You want to know why I forgive you?” you said, your hands resting behind my head. I gasped for breath between my sobs; “Yes…” You finally caught my gaze and I again got lost in your eyes. “Because I love you” You whispered, pressing your lips gently against my forehead, leaving me to stand and relax, shutting my eyes. You pulled me closer, my face burrowing into the crook of your neck. “And I know you love me.” You slowly said, so certain and perfectly right, your arms tightening around my waist. Right then, I knew everything would be okay.

Gah…

October 2, 2010

Bipolar:

Mood

Emotions

Wants

Needs