“Over and over…

July 31, 2011

… I fall for you.”

I can’t seem to keep your out of my dreams… or nightmares.

Mostly nightmares. You either die, fall in love with someone else, or disappear from my life without warning.

This would all make sense if I was not confident about our relationship, but I am. I see us keeping this up for a very long time.

Ok… happy thoughts. Let’s make tonight a dream.

I love you

July 30, 2011

“Go to sleep hun.”

“No, wait.”

“What is it?”

“Will you lay down? Pretend we are falling asleep together?”

“Yes. Of course love.”

 

My life is riddled with conversations just like these.

 

“When our hands are locked so tight that it feels nothing can spread them apart…”

“You make me happy. As simple as that may seem, it’s more complex than I will ever understand.”

 

These words string the moments of my life together… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I missed you so very much, but now you’re here; now you’re back.

You’re mine and I’m yours.

Hmmm…

July 20, 2011

I don’t FaceBook stalk you… I’d just really like to be your friend (:

IF you would respond to my chats…

I swear, you ALWAYS were the one to smile at me in the hall way, no matter what. That brightened my day, and you’ll probably never know…

(:

It’s 2:00 AM, just sitting on FaceBook at Connie’s house after a very long day.

What comes on the television? An “Overcoming Anxiety” show.

I’m sitting here listen to people describe exactly what I go through without hiding how severe it really can be.

“Stress that you’re under that you don’t realize makes you anxious.” Exactly.

“The anxiety brings depression and is more than just debilitating, it’s life-wrecking.”

 

My first day of my first real job is tomorrow. I tell people that I’m nervous and they brush it off as normal… it’s anything but.

I’m not just nervous, I’m terrified. It’s a feeling of overall pain and irrational fear. I feel as if I will die.

Painc attacks at night are the worst. It’s the most terrifying feeling in the world… fear of absolutely nothing. That means it can’t be resolved. How do you fix a problem you can’t identify?

The seroquel helps somewhat, but not enough.  My hopes and dreams have been shattered for my fear of leaving what I know. I wanted once to move to Seattle and go to medical school. Now, I have resorted to applying to CSU to stay in the town I know.

I will never be able to experience life this way: always in fear… always hiding it.

I love you…

July 20, 2011

You reached out for my help and I wasn’t there. You told your mother you needed to talk to somebody and that you didn’t deserve to live… “Who do you want to talk to?” she asked. “Kelsey” you responded.

I’m sorry… you are safer right now and will get better, I promise. I love you so much… like the best little brother in the world.

Never let go… you can do this. I promise. You are smarter than depression, and you know it.

I know you’re my mother, but I don’t see you as one. You are my friend, nothing more really.

“I’m always depressed out of my mind and can’t function.” Well, I’m glad to see that it’s hereditaty.

You can’t give up either… don’t settle for an unhappy life. I found help and you can too.

Life isn’t easy… it never has been. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, tourettes, heart complications, being discarded or forgotten, lost friends and loved ones, regrets, longing for what you can’t have. Most of it isn’t going to change any time soon, but I still manage to find the positive in my life.

I cry less, go out more, and do what’s right for my happiness… I just wish you all could do the same,

Meds

July 19, 2011

I just slept three house, then another nine hours, without taking any medication.

I haven’t gotten the chance to pick up my lithium in a few days and have no Seroquel in my body…

This is either fantastic or will turn terrible really soon…

I Give Up

July 16, 2011

I know I’ve said it a thousand times, but third time must have been the charm.

It’s taken me three tries after lost love to realize I’m done looking for love.

I know for a fact I had it at one point in my life, but now? Not an ounce.

I’m baked… really baked. It took me two minutes to find the blog website on my toolbar… and I am trying my hardest to type correctly…

Heart exam in the morning. I should be sober by then.

Family Guy is by far the greatest show to watch high. The jokes go on for so long I actually have time to grasp their meaning.

There Jess… that’s some class “A” reading material right there… 😉

P.S. if somebody brings me a beefy five layer from Taco Bell, I’ll worship you forever.

Up… Down…

July 12, 2011

I’ve been engulfed in …

I began typing this blog post and got distracted. I was going to rant about my happiness, calmness, and hope.

After reading over my old entries, journals, and stories, I feel less manic and more depressive.

At least it lasted a good few hours…

Thank you…

July 12, 2011

A character trait I respect more than anything in a human being is selflessness.

Today, while we sat in city park together, you massaged my aching back for a good hour.

You listened to me talk about my anxieties without interruption.

As you carried me to the car, you looked me in the eyes and kissed me.

You are something quite incredible; someone I’m privileged to share moments like these with.