Here we go again…

July 12, 2011

For the longest time, it was as though I wasn’t plagued with this bipolar disorder. My mood seemed to be level and constantly content; even somewhat absentminded at times.

During the past week, this has all changed. Not only have my manic highs and depressives come back, but anxiety has taken it’s place permanently in the back of my mind.

I should have seen this coming. I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight in the past month (12 pounds) and don’t have the drive to get out of bed in the morning. My first idea would usually be that my medication has been altered, but nothing has changed: 600 MG Lithium and 50 MG Seroquel every night like always.

I’m not sure what to do about this… I’d usually make an appointment with the psychiatrist, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have enough going on: fear (apparently unnecessary, according to my mother) for my heart exam, stress (and anxiety, most likely) from quitting smoking, seeing my dad go down his anxiety and depression hill as well (using alcohol opposed to medication as a vice), and keeping my friendships and relationships “stable” (because of my paranoia of losing the ones I confide in most).

The difference this time is the lack of desire to cut or attempt suicide… it hasn’t crossed my mind once. I suppose that’s a big step in the right direction. I’m relapsing again, but it’s slight.

I guess I need help… I just don’t know what kind.

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