If it’s unfamiliar, it will kill me…

July 20, 2011

It’s 2:00 AM, just sitting on FaceBook at Connie’s house after a very long day.

What comes on the television? An “Overcoming Anxiety” show.

I’m sitting here listen to people describe exactly what I go through without hiding how severe it really can be.

“Stress that you’re under that you don’t realize makes you anxious.” Exactly.

“The anxiety brings depression and is more than just debilitating, it’s life-wrecking.”

 

My first day of my first real job is tomorrow. I tell people that I’m nervous and they brush it off as normal… it’s anything but.

I’m not just nervous, I’m terrified. It’s a feeling of overall pain and irrational fear. I feel as if I will die.

Painc attacks at night are the worst. It’s the most terrifying feeling in the world… fear of absolutely nothing. That means it can’t be resolved. How do you fix a problem you can’t identify?

The seroquel helps somewhat, but not enough.  My hopes and dreams have been shattered for my fear of leaving what I know. I wanted once to move to Seattle and go to medical school. Now, I have resorted to applying to CSU to stay in the town I know.

I will never be able to experience life this way: always in fear… always hiding it.

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