Hurdle After Hurdle…

April 24, 2013

I am fully capable of handling difficult and emotional situations alone, but it just doesn’t feel right.

I have support, I have people that care about me, but nothing compares to the way you just understood.  You knew what to do, what to say, how to handle situations. I don’t know if that’s something that comes with time or something that just made what we had that much more perfect.

Dad left with uncle Kent tonight for Kansas. They will arrive at 9 in the morning. Grandpa doesn’t look like he is going to last more than a few days. Dad kept talking about me coming out for the funeral. I don’t know how to feel about that. That’s something I would have talked to you about.

I’m making progress. Finishing projects I had been procrastinating. I’m confident that things will only get better from here.

This has turned into posts written to you. I have no idea if you read them or not, but feeling like I can talk to you makes me feel better, even if there isn’t a response.

I guess this is just another of the many hurdles I have to jump. One after another, like clockwork, they show up. With practice I’m getting better. That’s a hopeful thought.

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This new found hope and desire to live my life to it’s fullest is so wonderful… I can hardly put it into words. I want to get things done. I need to laugh and smile.

Today someone told me that I “find enjoyment in the small things.” I take this as a great compliment. My ability to find bursts of happiness is everyday situations is what has kept me going for so long. I feel sorry for those who need fantastic experiences to give them joy.

I finally see myself with a future; a future that makes me happy and is fulfilling. I don’t have specifics in mind, but the gist is there. As of right now, my mind is occupied with thoughts of having blood drawn in a few weeks, finishing my end-of-semester paper and presentation, getting things settled for summer online classes, and figuring out the next step in my “I’m stuck in a situation” dilemma. Long term: deciding what I want to major in (most likely general associates), finding a job (at this point anything will do), and making sure my medications and emotions are under control and stable. (I’m most likely forgetting some important goals but there’s the basics).

I have total hope. The shift from hopelessness to having an excess of hope is invigorating. It would be perfect, but I’m missing a key component. This piece of my almost complete puzzle may be lost forever. Then again, it may show up when I least expect it. If it does I would welcome it with open arms and share this amazing feeling of happiness with it. Okay, this is obviously an analogy, but the point has been made.

As a human being, a woman, a girlfriend, and a lover I had a lot to figure out. It was the most difficult time I’d ever had pushing through emotions I never though I was capable while hurting everyone around me along the way. I still have a lot to teach myself and learn from others, but I know this is achievable and in my near future.

The only thing that could make me happier is you. You did make me happy. It may not have felt that way but that was only because I was so unhappy to begin with. Now that I am emotionally stable and capable of taking care of myself and my happiness I can finally give the people I love the attention, appreciation, respect, and love that they deserve; things I didn’t do in the past for people I had not fully appreciated.

I am loving life and myself. I can see my potential in this world and want nothing more than to share that with you. I hope someday you can feel the same. I will always be here waiting, patiently, for you to come back home to me. I will live my life, do all of the things you always said I could. You were right about my abilities and gifts, but you were wrong about one thing: You did make me happy. As happy as I could be given the circumstances.

I hope you are finding contentment and happiness in your life as much as I am. You deserve it more than anyone. If there seems to be something missing, something you can’t quite put your finger one, it just might be what is missing in my life: us.

Making it work…

April 21, 2013

The doctor appointment went extremely well. I am now back on Lithium and Trazodone daily as well as Klonopin as needed for anxiety attacks. So far so good, although I’m not looking forward to the blood draws to check Lithium levels. I’m sleeping better without feeling completely comatose the next day (like I did on Seroquel) and feel more level-headed. Oh, did I mention it’s all cheap? Thank you Walmart Pharmacy $4 prescriptions!

Along with the reintroduction of medication into my daily life I have been dedicating myself to eating healthier. Replacing snack food with healthy stuff… you know, like in those Yoplait yogurt commercials? I’ve been doing well and am already back down to 125 lbs (just a few months ago i was up to 140 lbs).

On a side note, I’m re-reading my Maze Runner series of books. There’s nothing better than catching things you completely missed the first time through. Tonight I stumbled upon a very relevant excerpt…

“You get lazy, you get sad. Start givin’ up. Plain and simple.”

This is so very true. I have a lot of extra time on my hands and I usually spend it sitting around and dwelling on my emotions. Today I managed to keep busy, catching up on school work, registering for summer classes, finding time to actually read a book for enjoyment. I’m not sure if this keeping busy is what’s making me feel better or if it’s the medications (or a combination of both) but either way I’m loving every second of it. This is the me that I love. This is sane, stable, and capable Kelsey.

Of course, as it’s happened time and time again throughout my life,  I am stuck in some situations that are outside of my control. I am being put into places that I cannot get out of and it should be pretty terrifying… but it isn’t. I’m slightly worried about it, but I know it will pass and things will be back to normal in no time. This ability to look ahead into my future and feel hope instead of despair is one of my most prized re-found abilities. I can feel the “everything is going to be okay” part of my brain working it’s way through to the front.

I still think about you several times a day, but now I don’t cry. I smile, remembering how happy something like what we had could make me. I hope, wanting something to work out in the end. I wonder, wanting to know how you are doing and what you’re accomplishing. I fight the urge to contact you, wanting to share my stories and accomplishments with you. I suppose being proud of myself is enough for now.

So here’s to never losing hope, seeking help and a shoulder to cry on when you need it, having an appreciation for the wonderful things and people in your life, and making it work, whatever that “it” may be.

At least once a day I pick up my phone to text you something. Then, I remember that I can’t. I keep these to myself; little snippets of life that I can only really share with you.

That girl from the Alley Cat? The cute one that works there with the blonde hair? She had her baby. It’s a girl and she named her Atlas.

Grandma K’s chemo isn’t working. She is looking through wig catalogs and starting to get confused…

I signed up for summer classes. Ethics, Intro to Lit, and Human Genetics, all online. Screw Vet Tech, I’ll just be a geneticist. Can’t be that difficult, right?

I only have one bag of tea left from our trip to Boulder. They only sell it during Christmas. I’m saving it for a special occasion.

Pixel digs in the snow just like Maggie used to. He pounces around like a baby deer. The little spazz keeps bringing in chunks of ice that melt on the carpet.

I can’t drink caffeine anymore. It gives me anxiety attacks. You know, the ones I used to get at night? Just like that, but during the day. I can’t even go to Walmart without getting dizzy and nauseous. I hope this doctor can find something to help on Friday…

I have to get my 5 tattoo touched up again. I swear, that thing is NEVER going to hold ink right.

Jared’s baby passed away. He had a mitochondrial disorder. He was only 10 months old.

My grandpa got put into a nursing home after calling the cops on grandma. He wouldn’t let her leave the house. They broke his hip after being there 2 days. A nurse pushed him over a table when he wouldn’t calm down. He is being sent somewhere closer to the family but dad is considering going back out there until July.

Two more of my goldfish died. There are four left. The biggest one got attacked and has a crooked tail now. Don’t worry, Hitler is still alive. I’m thinking he’s the culprit.

Walter died. I feel bad, like me hating him made him die faster. He was the nastiest, meanest little hamster but he still deserved to be loved.

I think Blastoise is a zombie turtle. He has been hibernating since it got really cold. Every time I check on him I expect him to not move, but he always does. What a trooper.

I taught Pixel how to bring me his blankie. You know the purple and blue one I sewed for dad? He won’t let me have it back. I guess he can keep it. He won’t go to sleep without it now. I have to cover his little spoiled butt up every night.

That girl Amanda, the one I went to Kruse with? You know, the one with the British flag tattoo? She brushed out her dreadlocks. I know, right? You can DO that!? It looks totally normal now. I kind of wish I would have tried dreads… long, red dreads.

I took my eyebrow piercing out. It didn’t scar. Like, at all, which is ridiculous considering I have a tumor sized scar in my ear from my second piercing. I think I’m going to leave it out and let it close up. I’m not cholo enough to rock the brow metal.

I met this girl at the Alley Cat. She complimented me on my fox tattoo and said that I looked familiar. She knew about all my tattoos. Apparently one of her friends had showed her my Facebook and she saw all my tattoos. I wonder who else has tattoo-cyber-stalked me…

The furnace is breaking. It only stays on a little while at a time. That’s probably why I feel obligated to tuck Pixel in at night. It’s not to freezing downstairs, just enough to warrant another few blankets. Poor dad, he can’t catch a break with the house appliances breaking…

I really miss the TV in the basement. It made it feel warmer down there. Dad turns the TV in the kitchen on as loud as it will go and opens all the doors. He can’t fall asleep if it’s quite. He just started turning on the little VCR TV at night. I think he’s watched the Expendables 2 about 50 times in his sleep. I should switch out movies for him.

I found a bunch of grandpa Pete’s old sweaters at grandma’s house. They still smell like him. I’m afraid to wash them.

There is so much I have left bottled up inside. I guess that’s what happens when I can no longer talk to my best friend.
I suppose this will have to do. Letters written to nobody.
After months without medication I will finally be put back on SOMETHING to help with this uncontrollable anxiety. New doctor, new meds, new possibilities. If only what’s happened during those months was just as easily fixed…
There’s two Kelsey’s: Crazy Kelsey and Sane Kelsey. Sane Kelsey is happy, rational, loving, hopeful, and an overall positive person. Crazy Kelsey is just the opposite.
Crazy Kelsey has just about ruined my life. I tried pushing her down, ignoring her, but in the end it brought me to do things I would have otherwise never done and say things I would never say. I can only say “I’m sorry” so many times to those I’ve hurt before it stops having meaning…
I guess this is another beginning for me. There have been many but this one is more tabula rasa than the rest. The best thing I can do is let Sane Kelsey wake up from her hibernation and take on what’s left of the life I have.
Here’s to getting back to the old me, the sane me, the happy me, and trying my hardest to mend what I’ve broken.

Anxiety

April 17, 2013

It has gotten to the point where I can no longer be in public places for extended periods of time.

My face flushes, I get dizzy, tunnel vision, everything spins… I can’t breathe.

These attacks are now on the daily. Caffeine is a no-go and it’s impossible to concentrate.

And I thought things couldn’t get much worse…

Down, Down, Down…

April 6, 2013

What is depression?

The inability to foresee a future for yourself.

No matter what happened to me right now, whatever dream I’ve ever had suddenly came to be, I would not be happy. I guess the words “depression” and “hopeless” are synonymous.

I have spent the majority of my life seeking happiness, or even contentment. I thought I had it figured out, but once the prescription bottles stopped playing a part in my daily routine I fell back into this familiar place of despair.

The difference this time is my withdrawn personality. Before I grasped at every opportunity for help. Now, after several attempts and much experience, I don’t write, talk, or confide in anyone. I see no use in it, only the possibility of disappointment and misunderstanding. I suppose I am left riding this roller coaster of hope and depression for the rest of my life.

People come and go, my priorities change, but the underlying feeling of hopelessness is ever present. I will continue to lay in bed, preferring to be alone and accomplish nothing than partake in the world around me.