Dum vita est, spes est…

April 23, 2013

This new found hope and desire to live my life to it’s fullest is so wonderful… I can hardly put it into words. I want to get things done. I need to laugh and smile.

Today someone told me that I “find enjoyment in the small things.” I take this as a great compliment. My ability to find bursts of happiness is everyday situations is what has kept me going for so long. I feel sorry for those who need fantastic experiences to give them joy.

I finally see myself with a future; a future that makes me happy and is fulfilling. I don’t have specifics in mind, but the gist is there. As of right now, my mind is occupied with thoughts of having blood drawn in a few weeks, finishing my end-of-semester paper and presentation, getting things settled for summer online classes, and figuring out the next step in my “I’m stuck in a situation” dilemma. Long term: deciding what I want to major in (most likely general associates), finding a job (at this point anything will do), and making sure my medications and emotions are under control and stable. (I’m most likely forgetting some important goals but there’s the basics).

I have total hope. The shift from hopelessness to having an excess of hope is invigorating. It would be perfect, but I’m missing a key component. This piece of my almost complete puzzle may be lost forever. Then again, it may show up when I least expect it. If it does I would welcome it with open arms and share this amazing feeling of happiness with it. Okay, this is obviously an analogy, but the point has been made.

As a human being, a woman, a girlfriend, and a lover I had a lot to figure out. It was the most difficult time I’d ever had pushing through emotions I never though I was capable while hurting everyone around me along the way. I still have a lot to teach myself and learn from others, but I know this is achievable and in my near future.

The only thing that could make me happier is you. You did make me happy. It may not have felt that way but that was only because I was so unhappy to begin with. Now that I am emotionally stable and capable of taking care of myself and my happiness I can finally give the people I love the attention, appreciation, respect, and love that they deserve; things I didn’t do in the past for people I had not fully appreciated.

I am loving life and myself. I can see my potential in this world and want nothing more than to share that with you. I hope someday you can feel the same. I will always be here waiting, patiently, for you to come back home to me. I will live my life, do all of the things you always said I could. You were right about my abilities and gifts, but you were wrong about one thing: You did make me happy. As happy as I could be given the circumstances.

I hope you are finding contentment and happiness in your life as much as I am. You deserve it more than anyone. If there seems to be something missing, something you can’t quite put your finger one, it just might be what is missing in my life: us.

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