Really Now?

May 16, 2013

Oh, well that’s just too darn cute…

“Stalker”? No honey, I was just trying to bring the human back into you.

Looks like THAT isn’t happening any time soon.

Don’t flatter yourself. My mind dwells on more important things and people at the moment. You’ve proved yourself unreliable, selfish, and uncaring. You’re my past and will never be anything more than just that.

Have a nice life.

Image

 

Months ago, you had a brilliant idea.

“Let’s go to every coffee shop in town. One every week maybe. After that we can do all of them in Loveland.”

“Except for Starbucks…” I responded.

I’ve found myself doing this. A few days in a row at the Alley Cat reading got me bored of it’s people and sameness. Yesterday I made my way to Genoa Coffee and Wine where I spent a few hours reading and sipping on coffee. Today I went to Dazbog and did just the same.

I have memories of you in all of these places, whether they be monumental or “insignificant”.

I don’t feel sad, I don’t cry, I just remember. I’m afraid of forgetting you; your laugh, your smile, your voice.

I do this for myself, I do this to breathe, but I also do this with you in mind. No matter the circumstances, I will never forget you, or us. You may be gone, but I will always have these memories. I fight to keep these memories alive.

 

Words evade me when my emotions are this strong. This is more than just frustrating, it makes me tear at my skin and pull at my hair.

Then, this song came onto the radio. Initially, I changed the station… then decided to give the new sound a chance. It says it all… It’s a song for both of us: My kind of lyrics, your kind of melody…

I take a deep breath every time I pass your door
I know you’re there but I can’t see you anymore
And that’s the reason you’re in the dark
I’ve been a stranger ever since we fell apart
And I feel so helpless here
Watch my eyes are filled with fear
Tell me do you feel the same
Hold me in your arms again

Now I’m dreaming, will I ever find you now?
I walk in circles but I’ll never figure out
What I mean to you, do I belong
I try to fight this but I know I’m not that strong
And I feel so helpless here
Watch my eyes are filled with fear
Tell me do you feel the same
Hold me in your arms again

All the years
All the times
You were never been to blame
And now my eyes are open
And now my heart is closing
And all the tears
All the lies
All the waste
I’ve been trying to make it change
And now my eyes are open

I need your love
I need your time
When everything’s wrong
You make it right
I feel so high
I come alive
I need to be free with you tonight
I need your love

And I Trust…

May 7, 2013

Don’t let them see you cry,
When the dam breaks down and the city is covered in water,
Cause I believe we fly
When the moon takes shape and I dose off on your shoulders.

I trust that you see it too

So breathe while you’re alive.
Let the big band play as you tap leather with your fingers.

And I tried to write in style,
But the words just come and I write them as soon as I see them,

And I trust that you write them too,
And I trust that you love me too.

 

You are a part of me,

A piece to my puzzle,

A portion of my conscience.

We grew as people,

As individuals,

But also together.

Voices muted,

Connection forbidden,

I still know you’re here.

No matter the place,

Whenever the time,

You are never far from me.

I may be happy,

I could be flourishing,

But you will always be in me.

 

One Month

May 7, 2013

A month ago today everything collapsed for good.
A month ago today you took my hand in yours and told me that someday I would find someone that would make me happy.
A month ago today, I began searching for that person, fighting resistance.
A month ago today, I began my search for you all over again.
I will find you again. I know it in the deepest parts of my heart and soul.
I will grow as a person, as an individual, but will never give up on what I know is possible and right: you.

Genoa

May 7, 2013

This place feels cold.
The coffee warms me, the sweet food is comforting, but everything that made this place great is gone.
You are gone.

With You

May 6, 2013

This feeling of greatness, of happiness, and of hope could only be made better by one thing…

Sharing it with you.

Taking Control

May 6, 2013

It’s been two weeks since I started working out daily and eating healthier. Fast food has been replaced with low fat small meals throughout the day. I was wary about telling anyone about my health endeavors because I wasn’t very confident that they would work the way I wanted them to…

Well, they did! I started at 145 pounds and have successfully dropped down to 125 pounds (my “happy” weight from highschool). I have a set routine for every day, all focusing on different muscle groups.

I may still have insomnia problems, my hair may be shorter than I would like, I have a nicotine addiction, and my depression isn’t quite under control, but at least now I am happier with my body and diet.

One step at a time, one day at a time…