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May 28, 2014

I haven’t written down a single word regarding my emotions in at least a year. I have not analyzed my thoughts in words, or in my mind, for so long, I don’t know where to start. I’m afraid once the dam opens, the flood will bring back everything that’s happened.

I have to stop… this alone is too overwhelming.

Baby steps… I’ll try again tomorrow.

What is Love?

June 21, 2013

This question, pondered by so many, never seems to have a definite answer. I believe this is because, despite how grand and perfect the feeling is, it cannot be described, only felt.

Loving someone and being in Love with someone are different things. To me, Loving someone is subconsciously putting their needs and wants before your own. I have my own definition of what this type of Love is, something clear cut and easy.

When it comes to being in Love with someone, that’s when things get tricky. I cant write a sentence, a paragraph, book, or any amount of words accurately conveying the true meaning of what being in Love is or feels like. Maybe that’s what makes it so special…

“Love”, a short word with so much weight, can bring people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise. It can cause someone to be desperate, angry beyond words, lonely, empty… not all Love brings joy. When you give someone your soul, leaving your heart in their hands, it can come at a price. When they aren’t around, a part of you is gone with them. From personal experience this brings a sense of emptiness and loss of hope.

Why would being in Love with someone be worth it then? Because when the person who holds your heart and soul is with you and loves you in return it completes you. That coldness you felt, that empty pit in your stomach, finally warms and overflows with complete security and a knowing that everything will be okay.

Love gives you hope. It drives you to be the best version of yourself. It may make you to do things misunderstood by others, but it gives you a feeling of well being and completeness.

I write these words thinking of you. We have been through so much together; things that would drive most people far away from each other. For us, it has brought us closer. Mistakes have been made, and will probably continue to happen, but what matters is that I Love you and you Love me. Anything is possible for us, I believe this with every ounce of my being.

So, what is Love? Love is you and I, together, fighting through this world hand in hand, knowing that no matter what we will always have each other.

360

June 1, 2013

I spend a majority of my life trying to help other people.

I offer a shoulder to cry on, a roof over people’s heads, money when necessary, and unconditional love.

What do I get in return? Being called manipulative, a whore, a stalker, a person who “lures in guys then tears them apart.” I also am told on the regular that there is nobody in the world who actually cares about me.

All I can do is hold my head up high and know that what I do for those I love is caring, compassionate, and that I am trying my hardest to be a good person.

Now that I spend more time on myself, trying to get myself healthy and happy, a small amount of distance is placed between me, my friends, and loved ones. Because of this distance, everyone get’s angry and harsh. Because of this distance I get told terrible things.

The more this happens, the worse it gets. I suppose I’m being scarred, over and over again, showing me that the only person in the world I can trust is myself.

It’s me, myself, and I. People come and go, show compassion then rip at my heart. I guess this is where I begin my secluded, strong, and self loving chapter of my life.

Thanks, everyone, for making me the person I never thought I would be: untrusting, seeing the bad in people, and believing that no good deed goes unpunished.

Really Now?

May 16, 2013

Oh, well that’s just too darn cute…

“Stalker”? No honey, I was just trying to bring the human back into you.

Looks like THAT isn’t happening any time soon.

Don’t flatter yourself. My mind dwells on more important things and people at the moment. You’ve proved yourself unreliable, selfish, and uncaring. You’re my past and will never be anything more than just that.

Have a nice life.

Image

 

Months ago, you had a brilliant idea.

“Let’s go to every coffee shop in town. One every week maybe. After that we can do all of them in Loveland.”

“Except for Starbucks…” I responded.

I’ve found myself doing this. A few days in a row at the Alley Cat reading got me bored of it’s people and sameness. Yesterday I made my way to Genoa Coffee and Wine where I spent a few hours reading and sipping on coffee. Today I went to Dazbog and did just the same.

I have memories of you in all of these places, whether they be monumental or “insignificant”.

I don’t feel sad, I don’t cry, I just remember. I’m afraid of forgetting you; your laugh, your smile, your voice.

I do this for myself, I do this to breathe, but I also do this with you in mind. No matter the circumstances, I will never forget you, or us. You may be gone, but I will always have these memories. I fight to keep these memories alive.

 

Words evade me when my emotions are this strong. This is more than just frustrating, it makes me tear at my skin and pull at my hair.

Then, this song came onto the radio. Initially, I changed the station… then decided to give the new sound a chance. It says it all… It’s a song for both of us: My kind of lyrics, your kind of melody…

I take a deep breath every time I pass your door
I know you’re there but I can’t see you anymore
And that’s the reason you’re in the dark
I’ve been a stranger ever since we fell apart
And I feel so helpless here
Watch my eyes are filled with fear
Tell me do you feel the same
Hold me in your arms again

Now I’m dreaming, will I ever find you now?
I walk in circles but I’ll never figure out
What I mean to you, do I belong
I try to fight this but I know I’m not that strong
And I feel so helpless here
Watch my eyes are filled with fear
Tell me do you feel the same
Hold me in your arms again

All the years
All the times
You were never been to blame
And now my eyes are open
And now my heart is closing
And all the tears
All the lies
All the waste
I’ve been trying to make it change
And now my eyes are open

I need your love
I need your time
When everything’s wrong
You make it right
I feel so high
I come alive
I need to be free with you tonight
I need your love

And I Trust…

May 7, 2013

Don’t let them see you cry,
When the dam breaks down and the city is covered in water,
Cause I believe we fly
When the moon takes shape and I dose off on your shoulders.

I trust that you see it too

So breathe while you’re alive.
Let the big band play as you tap leather with your fingers.

And I tried to write in style,
But the words just come and I write them as soon as I see them,

And I trust that you write them too,
And I trust that you love me too.

 

You are a part of me,

A piece to my puzzle,

A portion of my conscience.

We grew as people,

As individuals,

But also together.

Voices muted,

Connection forbidden,

I still know you’re here.

No matter the place,

Whenever the time,

You are never far from me.

I may be happy,

I could be flourishing,

But you will always be in me.

 

One Month

May 7, 2013

A month ago today everything collapsed for good.
A month ago today you took my hand in yours and told me that someday I would find someone that would make me happy.
A month ago today, I began searching for that person, fighting resistance.
A month ago today, I began my search for you all over again.
I will find you again. I know it in the deepest parts of my heart and soul.
I will grow as a person, as an individual, but will never give up on what I know is possible and right: you.