Genoa

May 7, 2013

This place feels cold.
The coffee warms me, the sweet food is comforting, but everything that made this place great is gone.
You are gone.

With You

May 6, 2013

This feeling of greatness, of happiness, and of hope could only be made better by one thing…

Sharing it with you.

Taking Control

May 6, 2013

It’s been two weeks since I started working out daily and eating healthier. Fast food has been replaced with low fat small meals throughout the day. I was wary about telling anyone about my health endeavors because I wasn’t very confident that they would work the way I wanted them to…

Well, they did! I started at 145 pounds and have successfully dropped down to 125 pounds (my “happy” weight from highschool). I have a set routine for every day, all focusing on different muscle groups.

I may still have insomnia problems, my hair may be shorter than I would like, I have a nicotine addiction, and my depression isn’t quite under control, but at least now I am happier with my body and diet.

One step at a time, one day at a time…

More things have exited out of my life this year than I could have ever imagined.

Thing’s I’ve loved, broken, taken for granted. Now, one more thing is going away.

This will be a relief and the end of one of the worst chapters of my life. My reminder or my mistakes will be gone.

This is what I wanted. This is what you would have wanted too. Your request came, just too late and in a very fucked up way.

My future looks promising and I’m excited for it.

I’ve always been one to have silly things to drive my life. “Everything happens for a reason”, that kind of stuff. I guess this is one of them: the slight possibility that something will work out, somehow, someday. Even if it doesn’t, at least that idea got me somewhere.

You are still in the back of my mind. I hope for your happiness and that maybe, someday, our paths will cross again.

Songs don’t make me cry anymore, reminders don’t stop my heartbeat, but they remind me of what we had. I would never want that back again, because it was broken and didn’t work.

I hope that you are following your heart. I hope that you are doing what you love. I hope you are truly, genuinely happy. I wish this to you with all the love in the world.

I have a glimmer of hope for something great, something perfect, for us in the future. True unconditional love is just that: unconditional. You will always hold a place in my heart.

This song seems relevant in a lot of ways… sounds a little too familiar…

I Have Make Mistakes

May 3, 2013

I’m having to live with my mistakes.

My lies, my deceiving, my wrong choices.

I don’t know how things will turn out. I have no control over the things I’ve ruined, but I do have control of my own future.

I have done everything that I can, gone to every length to fix what I’ve broken, but this may be one thing I can’t mend.

This hope may be temporary, and I may hope for things I cannot obtain, but at least I can start to taste what it’s like to be human again.

I’ve made it my personal goal lately to go out and meet new people.

This involves going places I’ve never gone before and becoming more of a regular at my favorite locations.

Before, when I wasn’t single and when I had my long hair, I never had difficulty with this. I was approachable and wasn’t afraid to approach others.

Now, I’m not saying that either of these are the direct cause of my problems, but they don’t help. I’ve been told that my short hair makes me look like I “have something to prove,” like a little punk girl I suppose. When it comes to being single I can attribute it to “you always want what you don’t have.” When I was in a relationship, I found comfort in meeting new people and expanding my horizons. It felt dangerous and exciting. Now that I’m single, that drive is gone.

Part of me knows that meeting new people and making new connections will help me heal, but another part of me just wants to be alone. I can’t trust anyone. I have never in my life had problems with trust. I always preached my “see the good in everyone” sermon to others, but now I can’t even pretend to believe in my own words. I only see malicious intent behind every interaction. That isn’t helping either…

I used to seek out emotional, philosophical discussions with strangers. I thrived on learning from others and their experiences. Now I find it difficult to put any of my own thoughts into words. The pain and weight they carry just isn’t ready to leave my head yet.

I’m getting interest, don’t get me wrong, but it’s the worst kind: sexual. Drunken text messages from acquaintances or friends. Thanks, but no thanks, I’m not a toy. This has made it particularly difficult on one occasion. The drunk texter works at my safe haven, The Alley Cat, and now there is an awkward tension whenever he’s around. I don’t know if I should take his drunken words as disrespect or misdirected interest in me as a person.

My anxiety is getting better with my prescribed medication. I take it when needed, when I know I will have an attack, and it eases the stress just enough. The daily meds are helpful too, keeping me level headed and capable of being in public again.

For a while this anxiety was my excuse to not be social. Now that it’s not relevant anymore I am having to force myself to try and make friends. My self confidence lowered, my friendly nature deteriorating, and awkward situations on the rise are bringing me to become a hermit. This, too, is a problem seeing as how I have no personal space at home. I share my home with two people half the time, one person 100% of the time, and my father a majority of the time.

I’m blending in with my surroundings, surviving. I never wanted to get to this point. Just surviving is just that: not living. I want to live. I need to laugh, breath sighs of contentment, and enjoy what I am doing with my life. This may come with time, it may come with a drastic event, or it may evade me forever. I’m scared to find out which of these will occur.

I knew how to be myself, what most people see as “Kelsey,” but I’ve lost it. I’ve lost her. She is either gone forever or hiding under layers of distrust and self conscience thoughts.

This song has been my anthem for quite some time now.

“Everything that I have loved has turned to stone… Don’t look at me that way…”

 

P.S. I think I’m subconsciously trying to perfect my “Come… please… talk to me… I need somebody. Anybody…” body language. No success so far.

Hurdle After Hurdle…

April 24, 2013

I am fully capable of handling difficult and emotional situations alone, but it just doesn’t feel right.

I have support, I have people that care about me, but nothing compares to the way you just understood.  You knew what to do, what to say, how to handle situations. I don’t know if that’s something that comes with time or something that just made what we had that much more perfect.

Dad left with uncle Kent tonight for Kansas. They will arrive at 9 in the morning. Grandpa doesn’t look like he is going to last more than a few days. Dad kept talking about me coming out for the funeral. I don’t know how to feel about that. That’s something I would have talked to you about.

I’m making progress. Finishing projects I had been procrastinating. I’m confident that things will only get better from here.

This has turned into posts written to you. I have no idea if you read them or not, but feeling like I can talk to you makes me feel better, even if there isn’t a response.

I guess this is just another of the many hurdles I have to jump. One after another, like clockwork, they show up. With practice I’m getting better. That’s a hopeful thought.

This new found hope and desire to live my life to it’s fullest is so wonderful… I can hardly put it into words. I want to get things done. I need to laugh and smile.

Today someone told me that I “find enjoyment in the small things.” I take this as a great compliment. My ability to find bursts of happiness is everyday situations is what has kept me going for so long. I feel sorry for those who need fantastic experiences to give them joy.

I finally see myself with a future; a future that makes me happy and is fulfilling. I don’t have specifics in mind, but the gist is there. As of right now, my mind is occupied with thoughts of having blood drawn in a few weeks, finishing my end-of-semester paper and presentation, getting things settled for summer online classes, and figuring out the next step in my “I’m stuck in a situation” dilemma. Long term: deciding what I want to major in (most likely general associates), finding a job (at this point anything will do), and making sure my medications and emotions are under control and stable. (I’m most likely forgetting some important goals but there’s the basics).

I have total hope. The shift from hopelessness to having an excess of hope is invigorating. It would be perfect, but I’m missing a key component. This piece of my almost complete puzzle may be lost forever. Then again, it may show up when I least expect it. If it does I would welcome it with open arms and share this amazing feeling of happiness with it. Okay, this is obviously an analogy, but the point has been made.

As a human being, a woman, a girlfriend, and a lover I had a lot to figure out. It was the most difficult time I’d ever had pushing through emotions I never though I was capable while hurting everyone around me along the way. I still have a lot to teach myself and learn from others, but I know this is achievable and in my near future.

The only thing that could make me happier is you. You did make me happy. It may not have felt that way but that was only because I was so unhappy to begin with. Now that I am emotionally stable and capable of taking care of myself and my happiness I can finally give the people I love the attention, appreciation, respect, and love that they deserve; things I didn’t do in the past for people I had not fully appreciated.

I am loving life and myself. I can see my potential in this world and want nothing more than to share that with you. I hope someday you can feel the same. I will always be here waiting, patiently, for you to come back home to me. I will live my life, do all of the things you always said I could. You were right about my abilities and gifts, but you were wrong about one thing: You did make me happy. As happy as I could be given the circumstances.

I hope you are finding contentment and happiness in your life as much as I am. You deserve it more than anyone. If there seems to be something missing, something you can’t quite put your finger one, it just might be what is missing in my life: us.

Making it work…

April 21, 2013

The doctor appointment went extremely well. I am now back on Lithium and Trazodone daily as well as Klonopin as needed for anxiety attacks. So far so good, although I’m not looking forward to the blood draws to check Lithium levels. I’m sleeping better without feeling completely comatose the next day (like I did on Seroquel) and feel more level-headed. Oh, did I mention it’s all cheap? Thank you Walmart Pharmacy $4 prescriptions!

Along with the reintroduction of medication into my daily life I have been dedicating myself to eating healthier. Replacing snack food with healthy stuff… you know, like in those Yoplait yogurt commercials? I’ve been doing well and am already back down to 125 lbs (just a few months ago i was up to 140 lbs).

On a side note, I’m re-reading my Maze Runner series of books. There’s nothing better than catching things you completely missed the first time through. Tonight I stumbled upon a very relevant excerpt…

“You get lazy, you get sad. Start givin’ up. Plain and simple.”

This is so very true. I have a lot of extra time on my hands and I usually spend it sitting around and dwelling on my emotions. Today I managed to keep busy, catching up on school work, registering for summer classes, finding time to actually read a book for enjoyment. I’m not sure if this keeping busy is what’s making me feel better or if it’s the medications (or a combination of both) but either way I’m loving every second of it. This is the me that I love. This is sane, stable, and capable Kelsey.

Of course, as it’s happened time and time again throughout my life,  I am stuck in some situations that are outside of my control. I am being put into places that I cannot get out of and it should be pretty terrifying… but it isn’t. I’m slightly worried about it, but I know it will pass and things will be back to normal in no time. This ability to look ahead into my future and feel hope instead of despair is one of my most prized re-found abilities. I can feel the “everything is going to be okay” part of my brain working it’s way through to the front.

I still think about you several times a day, but now I don’t cry. I smile, remembering how happy something like what we had could make me. I hope, wanting something to work out in the end. I wonder, wanting to know how you are doing and what you’re accomplishing. I fight the urge to contact you, wanting to share my stories and accomplishments with you. I suppose being proud of myself is enough for now.

So here’s to never losing hope, seeking help and a shoulder to cry on when you need it, having an appreciation for the wonderful things and people in your life, and making it work, whatever that “it” may be.

At least once a day I pick up my phone to text you something. Then, I remember that I can’t. I keep these to myself; little snippets of life that I can only really share with you.

That girl from the Alley Cat? The cute one that works there with the blonde hair? She had her baby. It’s a girl and she named her Atlas.

Grandma K’s chemo isn’t working. She is looking through wig catalogs and starting to get confused…

I signed up for summer classes. Ethics, Intro to Lit, and Human Genetics, all online. Screw Vet Tech, I’ll just be a geneticist. Can’t be that difficult, right?

I only have one bag of tea left from our trip to Boulder. They only sell it during Christmas. I’m saving it for a special occasion.

Pixel digs in the snow just like Maggie used to. He pounces around like a baby deer. The little spazz keeps bringing in chunks of ice that melt on the carpet.

I can’t drink caffeine anymore. It gives me anxiety attacks. You know, the ones I used to get at night? Just like that, but during the day. I can’t even go to Walmart without getting dizzy and nauseous. I hope this doctor can find something to help on Friday…

I have to get my 5 tattoo touched up again. I swear, that thing is NEVER going to hold ink right.

Jared’s baby passed away. He had a mitochondrial disorder. He was only 10 months old.

My grandpa got put into a nursing home after calling the cops on grandma. He wouldn’t let her leave the house. They broke his hip after being there 2 days. A nurse pushed him over a table when he wouldn’t calm down. He is being sent somewhere closer to the family but dad is considering going back out there until July.

Two more of my goldfish died. There are four left. The biggest one got attacked and has a crooked tail now. Don’t worry, Hitler is still alive. I’m thinking he’s the culprit.

Walter died. I feel bad, like me hating him made him die faster. He was the nastiest, meanest little hamster but he still deserved to be loved.

I think Blastoise is a zombie turtle. He has been hibernating since it got really cold. Every time I check on him I expect him to not move, but he always does. What a trooper.

I taught Pixel how to bring me his blankie. You know the purple and blue one I sewed for dad? He won’t let me have it back. I guess he can keep it. He won’t go to sleep without it now. I have to cover his little spoiled butt up every night.

That girl Amanda, the one I went to Kruse with? You know, the one with the British flag tattoo? She brushed out her dreadlocks. I know, right? You can DO that!? It looks totally normal now. I kind of wish I would have tried dreads… long, red dreads.

I took my eyebrow piercing out. It didn’t scar. Like, at all, which is ridiculous considering I have a tumor sized scar in my ear from my second piercing. I think I’m going to leave it out and let it close up. I’m not cholo enough to rock the brow metal.

I met this girl at the Alley Cat. She complimented me on my fox tattoo and said that I looked familiar. She knew about all my tattoos. Apparently one of her friends had showed her my Facebook and she saw all my tattoos. I wonder who else has tattoo-cyber-stalked me…

The furnace is breaking. It only stays on a little while at a time. That’s probably why I feel obligated to tuck Pixel in at night. It’s not to freezing downstairs, just enough to warrant another few blankets. Poor dad, he can’t catch a break with the house appliances breaking…

I really miss the TV in the basement. It made it feel warmer down there. Dad turns the TV in the kitchen on as loud as it will go and opens all the doors. He can’t fall asleep if it’s quite. He just started turning on the little VCR TV at night. I think he’s watched the Expendables 2 about 50 times in his sleep. I should switch out movies for him.

I found a bunch of grandpa Pete’s old sweaters at grandma’s house. They still smell like him. I’m afraid to wash them.