September 30, 2010
My mother is bearable. So is her boyfriend.
It’s the combination of the two that I cannot stand.
She becomes oblivious and bubbly while he turns into Mr. Lame Joke.
Someone please kidnap me.
Better yet, kidnap them. The house would be nice to have for myself…
September 29, 2010
My brain is a clusterfuck of information, emotions, and ideas.
I don’t see this getting easier anytime soon.
September 28, 2010
Tonight is my first night in the new house in Loveland.
It took me an extra 30 minutes to get to the house because I couldn’t find fucking 50th street.
It will take me 35 minutes to commune to school every day. Combined driving time to and from school is a total of 1 hour and 10 minutes.
Loveland needs to get it’s shit together.
September 26, 2010
“When you leave here, you will have new coping skills that will help you live your new, reformed life. Ease into your routines slowly and give yourself time to adjust and practice your new mind and emotions. You are here because you are fragile. This is a place that will build up your destructed life up from ground zero. Be careful and remember: put yourself first Kelsey. You deserve it.” -Mountain Crest Counselor’s response to my journal entry
After reading this excerpt written by one of my favorite counselors, I had an endless amount of hope. I was eager to ease into my reformed life and let the coping skills slowly take hold and become part of my routine.
With these high expectations, I was discharged with increased medications and a new outlook on my life. I cried more that day than I could possibly could have expected.
I am in awe and disbelief that my “supportive” parents could crush me during my most vulnerable time.
“Stop being selfish Kelsey. The world doesn’t revolve around you. I can’t cater to your every fucking need 24/7.” -Mother
“Don’t bother coming home. You haven’t been here in days, just stay away.” -Father
“You are now and will always be a manipulative bitch.” -Mother
“You don’t appreciate me Kelsey. I do so much for you. All you see me as is a wallet and a place for you to sleep. You owe me.” -Mother
This last one in particular bothers me. Is it not a mother’s job to feed and financially support (to a point) their child? She pushes a sense of guilt onto me, using this “you owe me for just being your mother” crap.
Now I can ask: how can I possibly put myself first, ease myself into my fragile life, or rebuild my destructed emotions with these people and hateful words surrounding me? I don’t. I take my pills, walk through my life, try to be grateful for what I have, and hope that things don’t get worse.
Goal 1: Rebuild myself without falling back into the black hole that seems to enjoy consuming me
Goal 2: Realize that I don’t have to believe my mother and father’s opinions of me
Goal 3: Put myself first without feeling guilty
September 20, 2010
No, I didn’t vanish off the face of the earth.
Thursday through today, Sunday, I was admitted into Mountain Crest, the mental health institution.
It was my second stay there and, just like the last time last March, my medications just needed to be updated and everything is good to go.
I had a few slip-ups, but overall I’m doing better.
September 14, 2010
For me, jealousy is a daily emotion.
I’m sure this isn’t uncommon for others, but sometimes it feels like I shouldn’t be feeling it.
I hate to feel petty and shallow by comparing myself to others, but it’s human nature.
There are particular people that I am continuously viewing as a higher status than me.
I see myself and my actions and I think nothing of them; if anything, I see them negatively.
What’s strange about my circumstance is my jealousy and unsureness of myself don’t show through my daily interactions.
Solution: Stop being jealous? It doesn’t work that way.
Self assurance will come with time, as any adult would say. Now, how to pass the time…
September 5, 2010
You check my blog. I know because it shows up on my “stats.”
There’s more than one of you.
Every time I post, I wonder who you are and why you are reading my thoughts.
Anyway, thank you (:
September 1, 2010
For as long as I can remember, my dad always has done the same thing: he sits down on the couch at the end of the day, loosens his boots from his feet, and kicks them up into the air, making them land in his lap. He has perfected this over years of practice.
Tonight I put on my dad’s boots, and his eyes lit up. “That’s my Kels” he said with a grin. I even sat down and succeeded in flipping the boots into my lap just like him.
The father daughter bond will never be broken when moments like this continue throughout a lifetime 🙂